A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
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All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
me, too, girl. me, too.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them