“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

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Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️



The person who named the eggplant must have been:

a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high


[during sex]

Her: talk nasty to me…

Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…

Her: omg so nasty

Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic


Since joining Twitter, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.


him: it’s what’s inside that counts

me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?


The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.


I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.


Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.


Am I in the Mile High Club if I jerk off under a blanket on a plane? Just kidding, United doesn’t have blankets.

Sorry lady in seat 21B