Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Axl: Where do we go now?
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
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Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I’m gonna be late…
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Life is like a Rubik’s Cube
It may look like a jumbled mess at first, but in the end it will make you want to beat the shit out of someone.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Somebody PLEASE come to my house and plug the power cord into my laptop.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster