@jon_snow_420

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

You Might Also Like

@iAmDelFreaky

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

@ILikeFaucet

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

@Cheeseboy22

My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…

@EndhooS

[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…

@better_off_dad

Life is like a Rubik’s Cube

It may look like a jumbled mess at first, but in the end it will make you want to beat the shit out of someone.

@PFitzpa

I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.

@coffeeandvinyl1

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

@CubanaMama82

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

@mom_tho

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster