“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
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[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]