@TheLOLYBible

“But Lot’s wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt, and Lot was like ‘wtf’ ” Genesis 19:26

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@Bandersnaaatch

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

@Jake_Vig

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

@3Snowbee3

I keep my fitbit in the original box same as I do my special edition Malibu Barbie.

@DomBorrett

I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people

@JustinMcElroy

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

@noog

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore