On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
“But Lot’s wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt, and Lot was like ‘wtf’ ” Genesis 19:26
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Hi. Yes I’d like one new body please.
this person knows how to have fun
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I keep my fitbit in the original box same as I do my special edition Malibu Barbie.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore