@TheLOLYBible

“But Lot’s wife looked back as she was following behind him, and she turned into a pillar of salt, and Lot was like ‘wtf’ ” Genesis 19:26

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@Parentpains

Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push, into traffic.

@ashmensch

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

@touchmybobby

as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what you gonna do

@joeljeffrey

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

@vapidcontent

accidentally said “bring a ding ding those toes over here mommy” out loud to no one in particular at work the other day and one of the female employee’s said “Okay, it’s been fun here I quit”

@CheryeDavis

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

@LucTabone

#IAmHonoredBy my 12 year old telling me he needs me. He wanted a new gadget of course but the thought was there.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: (talking to anyone)

Largest and darkest hair in my nose: I WANT TO SAY HI TOO!

@PColemanchester

Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.