But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
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Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.