@TheLadBible
@better_off_dad
It’s not considered ‘people watching’ if you do it through their bedroom window, apparently.
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@better_off_dad
@kelkulus
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
@bornmiserable
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
@novixv
Judge: I sentence you to 10 years
Defendant: Well I sentence YOU to 20 years
Lawyer: That’s not how that..
Judge: [being cuffed] DAMN YOU
@UnicornSyrup
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
@BubblesnBooze
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
@AbrasiveGhost
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
@facciabella
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
@UncleDuke1969
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
@goodbeanalt
if ur dating a gym rat ur single to me. what’s brad gonna do beat the shit out of me? oh really? oh ok yeah I was kidding lol literally a joke haha im sorry