@TheLadBible
@lonelySophia
“Wow 4 tattoos.. those are pretty permanent you know”
Me: wow 4 kids… those are pretty damn permanent CAROL
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@lonelySophia
@markydoodoo
Shout out to my sweatpants for loving me through thick and thicker.
@WoodyLuvsCoffee
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
@wilw
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
@Steelers1972
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
@SladeWentworth
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
@armisticed
school sucks 2/10 stars would not recommend
@TheTweetOfGod
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
@murrman5
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
@david8hughes
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’