@TheLadBible

But no warning about leopards…?

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@better_off_dad

It’s not considered ‘people watching’ if you do it through their bedroom window, apparently.

@kelkulus

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

@bornmiserable

[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

@novixv

Judge: I sentence you to 10 years
Defendant: Well I sentence YOU to 20 years
Lawyer: That’s not how that..
Judge: [being cuffed] DAMN YOU

@UnicornSyrup

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

@BubblesnBooze

It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.

-everyone on Twitter

@AbrasiveGhost

ME: What’s this bit here?

NURSE: …his heart

ME: Hm.

NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon

ME: My résumé says a lot of things

@facciabella

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

@UncleDuke1969

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

@goodbeanalt

if ur dating a gym rat ur single to me. what’s brad gonna do beat the shit out of me? oh really? oh ok yeah I was kidding lol literally a joke haha im sorry