*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
You Might Also Like
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Smells like a challenge to me
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.