But no warning about leopards…?

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“Wow 4 tattoos.. those are pretty permanent you know”

Me: wow 4 kids… those are pretty damn permanent CAROL


Shout out to my sweatpants for loving me through thick and thicker.


If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.


“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.


If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.


I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.


*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.


God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’