@TheLadBible

But no warning about leopards…?

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@lonelySophia

“Wow 4 tattoos.. those are pretty permanent you know”

Me: wow 4 kids… those are pretty damn permanent CAROL

@markydoodoo

Shout out to my sweatpants for loving me through thick and thicker.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.

@wilw

“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.

@Steelers1972

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

@SladeWentworth

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

@murrman5

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

@david8hughes

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’