But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
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SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud