Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
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Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no