But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Sorry. Not sorry
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Pee pressure > peer pressure
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
How to properly lift a body
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner