“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
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The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked