But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
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“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Good Morning.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.