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*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
He died doing what he loved: being alive
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence