Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
You Might Also Like
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
i wish i could marry a nap
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake