@Fab_Mommy_

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?

- @Fab_Mommy_

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@Swishergirl24

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass

@Browtweaten

Date: I know a lot of dance styles

Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too

Date: Any ballroom?

Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit

Date: What

Me: What

@MarkusJ

*first astronaut lands on Mars*
NASA: How does it feel son?
Astronaut: Feels pretty good to be 33 million miles away from Dave Matthews Band

@FeralCrone

When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”

@Sickayduh

[recording studio]
Producer: Um what’re you guys doing?
Singer: Ending the song
Producer: You don’t have to fade out. We’ll do that in here.

@slimmy_shady

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

@NoogsCorner

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

@SaraESpivey

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

@AristotlesNZ

No, I don’t hate you. I promise. Cross my heart and hope you die.