But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
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Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back