Biden: “Jiraiya is in a better pla…”
Obama: “I don’t wanna talk about it”
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Please just send me a sign. Anything.
*Ace Of Base starts playing on radio
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]
BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”
*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Please make sure my tombstone reads: wish you were here.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist