I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
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Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Ex picked up the kids, brought me coffee & took out my trash.
This divorce thing is really working out for me.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Ghost me would do the same stuff as alive me.
Howl. Wander. Stand in front of the fridge and stare at all the food I’m not allowed to eat.
I bet it’s tough being a police sketch artist in China.
Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves?
Me: Dying people are moths?