@ChurchyFun

But wait…

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@Eyevenger

Biden: “Jiraiya is in a better pla…”

Obama: “I don’t wanna talk about it”

@jergarl

[praying]

Please just send me a sign. Anything.

*Ace Of Base starts playing on radio
.
.
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LOL nice

@Reverend_Scott

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

@Kyle_Lippert

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

@fuzzlime

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

@FeelingEuphoric

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

@Parkerlawyer

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

@BunAndLeggings

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

@snarkymomtobe

2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist