@ChurchyFun

But wait…

You Might Also Like

@dinnersruined

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

@darksidedeb

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

@daemonic3

Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?

Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.

@bobsin

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

@callie_cakes

Ex picked up the kids, brought me coffee & took out my trash.

This divorce thing is really working out for me.

@dafloydsta

I have good and bad news

WIFE: Bad news first

We need a new front door

WIFE: And the good news?

[points to Monster Truck in living room]

@iamspacegirl

Ghost me would do the same stuff as alive me.
Howl. Wander. Stand in front of the fridge and stare at all the food I’m not allowed to eat.

@ispypanda

I bet it’s tough being a police sketch artist in China.

@XplodingUnicorn

Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves?

Me: Dying people are moths?