I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
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[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why