I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
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We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.