@littlelady899

But were you called “dream wife” on the internet today?

Oh, you were. By the same guy? I see.

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@Rollinintheseat

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

@GuyBreakup

A horror story:

You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.

That’s it that’s the whole story.

@timdonakowski

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

@peteholmes

train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie

@AnitaHelmet

Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.

But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

@JasonLastname

Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.