but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
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How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?