If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
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If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Google Glass, for everyone who’s ever thought, “I like that browser so much, I want it on MY FACE”
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.