If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
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PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
My boss just asked me why I wasn’t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn’t see him coming
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”