@WorIdsWorsts

But…. what??

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@TheWeirdWorld

If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.

@ceejoyner

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

@why_vann

My boss just asked me why I wasn’t working.. ..i told em cuz I didn’t see him coming

@MelvinofYork

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

@mela_shea

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

@carlyken

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

@geowizzacist

Waiter: And what would you like sir?

Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.

Entire restaurant: *gasps*

@RtrJan

My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.

@PinkCamoTO

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.