But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
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I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics