Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
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Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs