Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
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i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry