@CarolinaSong

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

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@GUBLERNATION

accidentally stabbed a friend last night but a little later a different friend caught on fire and i put him out with my hand so i’m even

@Birdhumms

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

@RealBobMortimer

When does the jogging end… surely they must be getting close to declaring a winner

@bransonreese

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

@sonictyrant

Me: Well boys as one door closes another one opens

Submarine crew: *screaming*

@bingowings14

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

@roadsidephil

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.