accidentally stabbed a friend last night but a little later a different friend caught on fire and i put him out with my hand so i’m even
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
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I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Colin Firth has a younger brother named Colin Thecond
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
When does the jogging end… surely they must be getting close to declaring a winner
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Me: Well boys as one door closes another one opens
Submarine crew: *screaming*
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.