May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
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Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Biden: Eric Trump, you ugly…
Obama: Chill Joe..
Biden: You ya Daddy’s son!
Obama: Ayyyye !
I’m still not sure how the church expects me to do all that kneeling and standing and praying on just that one little wafer they feed you.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. Love your horses. Remind your horses everyday how much you love them. Feed your horses.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”