@CarolinaSong

BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!

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@SmithWit

May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”

@iwearaonesie

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

@Skoog

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

@dirtyddixon

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…

~Only 15 more to go!!

@OarackBobamaa

Biden: Eric Trump, you ugly…
Obama: Chill Joe..
Biden: You ya Daddy’s son!
Obama: Ayyyye !

@realHamOnWry

I’m still not sure how the church expects me to do all that kneeling and standing and praying on just that one little wafer they feed you.

@andreeahluscu

HOLD YOUR HORSES. Love your horses. Remind your horses everyday how much you love them. Feed your horses.

@robfee

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

@Rachel_Sennott

asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”