“Butter me up like one of your French Toast girls”

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I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.


Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”


If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.


I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant


Give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you’ll have to fix the washing machine yourself with YouTube videos


Man called 911 to ask why there was a cop sitting outside his place of employment (fast food place) for so long. He told my dispatcher he was nervous he was going to get arrested because of his felony warrants.

And that’s how you go from eating lunch to arresting someone.



🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶


My nephew told me all he wants for Christmas is his dead dog back. Can’t WAIT to see his face when I wrap it up and stick it under the tree.


Retweet this and you’ll go to heaven. Yes, the standards are now that low.


Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator