When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
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Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Home #decor warning.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.