@perlhack

“Butter me up like one of your French Toast girls”

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@Gupton68

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

@heytherecore

Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”

@Hormonella

If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.

@_NTFG_

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

@dumbbeezie

Give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and you’ll have to fix the washing machine yourself with YouTube videos

@ShitIHearOnDuty

Man called 911 to ask why there was a cop sitting outside his place of employment (fast food place) for so long. He told my dispatcher he was nervous he was going to get arrested because of his felony warrants.

And that’s how you go from eating lunch to arresting someone.

@CulturedRuffian

ODE TO TWITTER

🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶

@peachesanscream

My nephew told me all he wants for Christmas is his dead dog back. Can’t WAIT to see his face when I wrap it up and stick it under the tree.

@TheTweetOfGod

Retweet this and you’ll go to heaven. Yes, the standards are now that low.

@WheelTod

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator