Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
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I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.