Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

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I’m so tired of having to think, “What would a normal person do here?”


*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *


my 3yo (to an old woman holding a sphinx cat and only a sphinx cat): I really like your bag.


Rule: Grown men should not use “lol” in a convo with another male.


For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.


Whoever keeps dressing our president in golf clothes and putting him in golf carts, please stop, he’s trying to make phone calls and work.


Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.