@stockejock

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

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@flamingo_poet

I’m so tired of having to think, “What would a normal person do here?”

@Petote

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

@iamspacegirl

my 3yo (to an old woman holding a sphinx cat and only a sphinx cat): I really like your bag.

@Connan22

Rule: Grown men should not use “lol” in a convo with another male.

@JosesLovesYou

For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.

@Jake_Vig

Whoever keeps dressing our president in golf clothes and putting him in golf carts, please stop, he’s trying to make phone calls and work.

@ValeeGrrl

Other parents do back-to-school pics of kids holding signs w/ their grade on it & mine are just a series of selfies w/ me & the bus driver.