Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
definitely did not do anything wrong
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner