Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
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Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir