Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
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receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.