[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
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A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.