Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
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5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Autocarrot sucks!
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”