I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
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God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.