Buy an aquarium. Don’t buy fish. Tell guests there are fish. Enjoy time spent not having to talk to guests while they look for fish.

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Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.


[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.


Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti


Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.


When I ask my wife if she wants help, she changes the subject and asks if a bear shits in the woods, like I’m some sort of bear scientist.


*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss


“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.


Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.