Brings donuts to work because if I can’t be skinny neither can you.
Fire roasted pizzas
Delivery in six minutes or less
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When I leave the gym, I feel sculpted like the great greek god Hippopotames
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
‘What I’m about to say is extremely important!!’
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…