@carlyken

Buy Domino’s
Fire everyone
Hire dragons
Fire roasted pizzas
Delivery in six minutes or less

IMAGINE DRAGONS

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@kwirkyKerri

Brings donuts to work because if I can’t be skinny neither can you.

@six4j

When I leave the gym, I feel sculpted like the great greek god Hippopotames

@erichwithach

Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”

@WritePlay

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

@murrman5

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

@SamSykesSwears

God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol

@ObscureGent

The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?

Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free

@jacob_swift16

‘What I’m about to say is extremely important!!’

-Drunk people

@lovejulieacafe

*parachutes into your family BBQ*

I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…