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I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.


They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.


ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?


*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.


Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…


About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.

That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.


It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.


Me to myself (in my head) : not my monkeys, not my circus.

Me: becomes ringmaster