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The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.