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My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
i- i did not expect this
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.