Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
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Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
🤣😈🤣
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.