@Token_Geezer

Buy one annoying person, get two free!

– In-laws

You Might Also Like

@WickedCynic

If the guy behind me stands any closer I’m going to go in for a hug.

@Beatonm5

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

@LizHackett

God returns to his desk with lunch. Taking a bite, he looks over at video monitors marked “Earth”. The avocado drops out of his sandwich.

@robfee

The best thing to do on New Years Eve is set the microwave timer with the countdown so the first thing that happens that year is Pizza Rolls

@bobvulfov

BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star

@TheAlexNevil

Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers

HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet

JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers

@EJGomez

[holding my aunts stupid idiot baby]
what sound does a cow make
“moo!”
good now a dog
“woof woof!”
2 for 2. now…WHERES THAT MISSING PLANE

@Reverend_Scott

Thinking about having kids?

Buy a plant.

If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.