Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
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I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.