Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
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sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Cannot stop laughing at this
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer