This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
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I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares