Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
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Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay