Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

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If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.


Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’


[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?


Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*

Neighbor: how was your quarantine?

Me: quarantine?


INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference


6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?

Me: Uh

6: Nevermind, Siri…


[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted


Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*