Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
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Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class