If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
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I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
6: Nevermind, Siri…
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
im actually a very hot person, don’t let my looks deceive you