Buying a well is money well spent.
You Might Also Like
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Me recordaron éste meme
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
If only.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.