Buying a well is money well spent.
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if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
SONOFA
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
love pickles so much i put myself in one
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
*serious situation*
My brain:
I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.