[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
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Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name