*buying beer*

CASHIER: how old are you?

ME, 19 YEARS OLD: 22, I was born on May 7, 1982 at 8:45 am, it was a cloudy day about 45 degrees, Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” was topping the charts

ME, 32 YEARS OLD: ummmm, thirty something? Like 32, maybe 33. What year is now?

You Might Also Like


MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*


The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding


Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.


this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade


I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.


Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?


My weekly retreat is simple: driving alone down country roads for a couple of hours with tunes cranked up and singing loudly to livestock.


Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?

Guy: One ton

Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy


Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.


When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed