When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
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Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?