@fakemikemulloy

*buying beer*

CASHIER: how old are you?

ME, 19 YEARS OLD: 22, I was born on May 7, 1982 at 8:45 am, it was a cloudy day about 45 degrees, Olivia Newton John’s “Physical” was topping the charts

ME, 32 YEARS OLD: ummmm, thirty something? Like 32, maybe 33. What year is now?

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@FeelingEuphoric

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

@ankles_so_weak

The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding

@1_swarthy_dude

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

@GrantTanaka

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade

@JesKeepSwimming

I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.

@ThugRaccoons

Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?

Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.

Banker: What?

Me: What?

@4boding

My weekly retreat is simple: driving alone down country roads for a couple of hours with tunes cranked up and singing loudly to livestock.

@Browtweaten

Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?

Guy: One ton

Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy

@Hemant_i_am

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

@LaptopShopWH

When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed