[buying college textbooks]
That’ll be 100 million dollars

[returning college textbooks]
We can give you half off on this pencil case

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Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber


Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35


I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.


When asked which is more important looks or brains? 9 out of 10 zombies said “braaaaiiiiinnnnssss” number 10 ate the researcher.


[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”


Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked


I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns


Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!


People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.


Why would you name your human child Hunter? Hunter is a profession. That’s like naming your kid Dentist.