[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
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*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Pandas 🐼🖤
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.