[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
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Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.