As a cat burglar most of my late night break-ins are actually well orchestrated attempts to pet other peoples animals.
[buying cucumber and vaseline]
me: got an awesome night planned
[later, eating a cucumber and vaseline sandwich]
this is awful
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ME: I fell in the shower.
HIM: Send pics
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Don’t you hate when somebody gives you the finger in traffic and then you have to follow them home and loosen the lug nuts on their wheels.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
People who still say ‘YOLO’ only deserve to live once anyway.