cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
[buying cucumber and vaseline]
me: got an awesome night planned
[later, eating a cucumber and vaseline sandwich]
this is awful
You Might Also Like
Yeah, cigarettes make you cool but they also take years off your life. Those are just two benefits.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
*uneasily answers phone
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I was kicked out of the gym for arguing with my step aerobics instructor, but I don’t care. She’s not my real aerobics instructor.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”