When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
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Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.