I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
You Might Also Like
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.