@_davidlucas_

*Buying flowers*

Sales girl: Would you like the receipt?

Me: Sure! If they don’t work, I’ll be bringing them back.

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@amydillon

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

@peeznuts

*standing behind home plate*
-Beware of my dog-like reflexes.

-Shouldn’t it be cat-like reflexes?
*catches baseball with my face*

@rolldiggity

Hate when the cop is like, “Sir, have you been petting kittens?” and I say, “I petted a few…” as I open the car door and kittens spill out

@LostFelicia

My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.

@turkeyheadmac

No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive
I won’t have a clue how to get back here

@metafroth

If I could time travel I’d go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.

@SkinnerSteven

The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction

@timcarvell

Now that it’s abandoned nudes, I hope Playboy goes with its other major brand identity and becomes a magazine about a very fancy rabbit.

@Contwixt

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.