*Buying flowers*

Sales girl: Would you like the receipt?

Me: Sure! If they don’t work, I’ll be bringing them back.

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[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]


*standing behind home plate*
-Beware of my dog-like reflexes.

-Shouldn’t it be cat-like reflexes?
*catches baseball with my face*


Hate when the cop is like, “Sir, have you been petting kittens?” and I say, “I petted a few…” as I open the car door and kittens spill out


My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.


No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive
I won’t have a clue how to get back here


If I could time travel I’d go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.


The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction


Now that it’s abandoned nudes, I hope Playboy goes with its other major brand identity and becomes a magazine about a very fancy rabbit.


Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.